Mosquito Nets

I just read a post from my friend Laura who just went to Cameroon to spend a couple years there in the Peace Corps. And it made me crave Africa with all of my being. The kind of emotion that makes me want to laugh, cry, dance, and hug many people, at the same time. Looks like I'll be trying to find a way to get back there soon. I kind of miss sleeping under a mosquito net, after all.

Goldfish

Diapers, Laundry, Cooking, Cleaning. These things dominate my life, and that's just while I'm at work. I'm a mommy-counselor-janitor, all in one. I personally believe I deserve a raise.

I was lucky enough to get hired at Isabel's House Crisis Nursery this summer. I like to love on kids, so it seemed like a perfect fit.

Don't get me wrong--it is. I'm elated by the work I get to do, except for when I get so much poop on my face I wear it as eyeshadow, or I accidentally set off the burglar alarm. I still wake up with a smile every day, and lucky for me, I'm greeted with smiles from the kids at work when I arrive every morning at 6:20.

But...WHY are the lives of these children SO messed up? I'm sorry, but no matter what world you were born in, it is still not ok to let your 9 year old child play with a loaded gun. Or rape your five year old daughter. And a kindergarten-aged girl should be worried about how to read "Frog and Toad", not how to escape a house her father just lit on fire.

Honestly, I don't think I'll ever look at you the same again. Any of you. Not because of anything you have done, but because this job has shown me you never, ever know the secret lives of anyone.

I know no one is asking me, but if they did, I would have one piece of advice: If you can't even handle taking care of a goldfish, don't bring a child into your messed up world.

Captive

It's 2:06 in the a.m. and I feel like there's a lot more things I could be doing (such as sleep, for instance). Instead, I'm sitting here worrying about so many things.

At the top of my list is taking care of my friends. When did it become so important to hear people's real stories, and not only catch a glimpse of their hearts but instead take it captive?

I love that part. I love getting to know you more than you know.

But it hurts how much I have to shove who I really am aside for things like school. I feel like I'm going out of my mind with stress. My senior year is turning out to be ridiculously challenging to survive. And I'm on week 4.

What happened to having time to read God's word and talk to Him for hours at a time?

What happened to living in such strong community that I knew all the goods and bads of my friends?

What happened to having time to sleep?

What happened to being relaxed?

What happened to the pure joy that is found when I am talking to you, when I am spending time with you for no reason at all?

What happened to reading for fun?

What happened to actually having time to go to the movies?

What happened to living without a planner?

I miss all of the above so much. I guess I always knew it would be hard to be a legit, grown-up adult.

But I didn't know it meant giving up almost all of the only things that have ever mattered.

Hope

"Most of us struggle in life to maintain the illusion of control, but in Africa that illusion is almost impossible to maintain. I always have the sense there that there is no equilibrium, that everything perpetually teeters on the brink of some dramatic change, that society constantly stands poised for some spasm, some tsunami in which you can do nothing but hope." -Peter Godwin

On the Road Again

I want "On the Road Again" to soon be on my radio dial...

I'm on family vacation, which includes literally the most boring, put-you-to-sleep drive through Oklahoma, a short stay in big Texas, and now I'm in the beautiful state of New Mexico, checking out Santa Fe. I've been coming here every summer for three weeks since my childhood; excluding a certain trip out of the country last summer, of course.

I feel so good when I'm traveling. I love not knowing what kind of random painted metal animals I will find along the road, where I'm going to eat my next meal, and who I am going to meet. I love the shot of energy I get when I find something thrilling that I didn't know existed.

I was talking to my friend Sienna about nomadism the other day. It would never work for me; I like my job and boyfriend too much for that. But the idea of it is awesome. Ridding myself of all of my useless possessions, as Beth blogged about, and finding all the things and places and people that are real in this world--now that I could handle.

[un]fairness

I live in the magical world of fair.

I think almost everything in my life thus far has been fair, equivalent, and justified. I'm slowly finding out that isn't the real world. I've always known it wasn't fair to other people; I just didn't know it was unfair to me.

I wonder how people handle the unfairness of life so easily, like it's just a way of life. I don't think fairness is a way of life at all. In fact, I think life is so unfair that we should stop labeling "injustices" and actually deal with them for what they are. When a baby dies in an orphanage today, it's our fault. It's not just "the system". One person could have saved that baby.

The Pursuit of...Nothing Worth Pursuing?

Summer has started, and I'm not pursuing much of anything.

Last summer I pursued relationships with friends, family and perfect strangers all over the globe. And this summer I'm staying in Springfield, Missouri working at a preschool 30 hours a week.

I'm not pursuing anything of consequence. Except money to pay for rent. But I feel better about life than I have in a long, long time. Maybe this extended sabbath is exactly what God knew I needed.

It's too bad I can't think about anything but Africa.